We officially exchanged and bought our house last week, which was a long time coming. I cannot even begin to explain how relieved I feel saying that. I am currently trying to make my room ‘liveable’ as it still needs a lot of work but I do need/want somewhere which is truly my own space (I will no doubt take some before and after shots of my room to show you all the process).
This moving process has been much more stressful than I ever anticipated, and it has conjured a variety of emotions I never thought would have come up so strongly. As a result, I felt the need to channel those feelings in some sort of creative way and so, I made this. A video.
I have dabbled with the idea of youtube for quite some time now, and have constantly had people encourage me to take the plunge and give it a go but it wasn’t until now that I really thought I might be able to pull it off and make something the way I wanted. I hope you enjoy.
Cheerio for now!
So, we haven’t spoken lately and I seem to have disappeared for a while. There are few excuses for my absence but I suppose the main reason is that life has simply got in the way. Since Christmas, everything has picked up a pace and life just feels a little more hectic than what I would usually like.
What do I mean by that? Well, let’s get into. I have grown up as an only-child, in a single-parent household. Now, as I write this, my mom has a partner and I now have step siblings; which is something I never thought would happen. My house has been sold and we will be moving into a new home, and combining our two families. I’m currently living out of my moms’ partners’ conservatory and sleeping between my stepsisters’ bed, the sofa and the spare bedroom of my grandparents’ house. Yup, I’m a nomad right now but it’s only temporary and it’s worth it. I was the type of kid who always asked Santa for a family so now, 15+ years later, I’m glad that the bearded guy finally came through with the goods.
Talking of bearded guys, there’s one of those in my life too. I don’t want to mention too much about him here as it’s still very new but he’s become a very special person in my life; one of which I’m not ready to share with my little corner of the internet just yet, but stay tuned.
In terms of studying with the Open University, I really enjoyed my creative writing module which I completed a couple of weeks ago. It feels bittersweet but I also look back at my first few pieces and feel a huge sense of achievement at how far I’ve come with my writing. Going into this module I was dreading the sections on poetry and life writing, as well as the idea of someone potentially ripping my writing to shreds. However, it’s been an enormous help having like-minded people commenting and giving their own input on my writing; and in terms of poetry and life writing, they have earned me amazing feedback and compliments as well as high scores.
As April has come (and now gone), it is finally beach hut season again which has my sea-loving heart doing somersaults! I have managed to get down there a few times so far, however, I’m hoping that I’ll get to spend more time there and fill my lungs with as much sea air as possible within the next few weeks.
Oh, and obviously, I died my hair (well -some of it). Truth be told, I have been wanting a change for a while now and when I was browsing Pinterest a few months back I saw a photo of a young girl with hair like Cruella DeVille. Now, I am not confident to rock that half and half look all over, but I definitely wanted to recreate it with my own little twist. It’s not as white as I’d like it yet but it is getting there (Yes, I’m a twenty-one year old who wants white hair).
So as you can see, a lot has been going on. I’m not sure what the next few months will bring this space but I’m hoping to get back into a posting schedule and get some fresh content on here throughout the summer.
You were the year of twenty. The year I didn’t greet well and the year I’m kinda glad to say goodbye to. Having said that, there is a bittersweet element to bidding you farewell.
You marked five years of living with chronic illness’. You marked years of failed attempts at trying to regain my health, feeling isolated from and misunderstood by the world and more importantly feeling as though I’d failed at making something of myself and making my family proud. ‘What have I achieved?’ I asked myself a week before you arrived; causing an avalanche of meltdowns, panic attacks and a whole lot of tear-stained pyjama sleeves. While loved ones tried to console me, I couldn’t be consoled. Your arrival wasn’t to be as happy an occasion as what it usually was and so a smile went on with the layers of makeup, and I grinned and bore it through my birthday tea. I did have a better time than I thought, though when I returned home so too did the thoughts of turning twenty.
Looking back your arrival was hard; just like a lot of moments from your year. I had to drop a lot of uni work because my body wasn’t up to it, I had to flake on friends an endless amount of times, I had to miss out on spending a lot of quality time with my mom at the beach hut and I had to deal with the reoccurring fact of how weak my body has become; a realisation that hit me harder every time I saw it.
Having said this, I’ve also never felt more me. I’ve never felt so in sync with my body. It’s almost as though I’ve deciphered how it works and while that doesn’t take the pain, exhaustion or suffering away; it does make it slightly easier to handle. I’ve also learnt the power of self-care is immensely important in my weekly routine. It’s of great importance, to everyone I think, to stop and take a moment to yourself. Whether that be listening to a podcast, applying a face mask or nail polish or even just taking the dog for a walk and watching the world go by in the process.
So yes, I wasn’t looking forward to you, the year of twenty, and while I’m happy and ready to say goodbye to you I’m grateful for all you taught me -even if your lessons were tough at times.