Grief is a complex thing. People talk about the stages of grief and the different types of it but I like to think of it in more simple terms; it affects us all in completely different ways and just bloody sucks.
In many ways, I’m familiar with grief. It’s been a companion of mine since I was fourteen; when I got ill with a chronic illness and spent years grieving my healthy body and life as I knew it. Grief alongside struggling with a chronic illness is a tumultuous process in itself and I always thought to myself ‘it’s okay, this is as bad as it can get‘. I wish that was the truth but grieving the loss of someone is entirely different -or should I say, it has been entirely different.
I lost my grandfather on the 6th January and while there was somewhat a lead up to his death, it’s still managed to gut-punch me out of nowhere. This comes within the year mark of losing my father which really took a toll on my granddad, and slowly over time he gradually declined until eventually having a slew of ambulances called out to him in the new year and then passing away in hospital. We were all with him, which people always say as if that makes it better but it doesn’t feel better -to be completely honest, nothing feels better or any semblance of good right now.
I wouldn’t like to say ‘I’m at this point of grief‘ because everyday feels so much different to the one before. One day I’m angry, another I feel fine, the next I’m unbearably sad and overwhelmed by a void of nothingness and feeling entirely dazed. It’s just exhausting. At first I convinced myself that I was doing fine. I was busy with all manner of paperwork that one has to do surrounding death and of course the preparations for that final farewell were a welcome distraction. Theres a formality to death and a tradition to funerals that I find really respectful and so I busied myself with that. But then, when you’re least expecting it, it all creeps back up on you -usually from out of nowhere. For me this was the death certificate. It was like formal confirmation –yes, he’s dead he’s gone. You won’t see him again. It felt like the walls of that sombre, stuffy office were screaming it at us in all their government official, soft-spoken but said with a smile way. And it guts you again. The wound feels fresher than before and it’s like you’re a dazed zombie again; but instead of brains all I want is tea and a dog to cuddle up to.
A huge part of my ability to hold it together right now, has been my nana. Now it’s just us, we have been mucking through however we can each day and falling into a new normal -whatever that looks like. It’s been a process of ups and downs and will probably continue to be for some time. Which brings me onto this space right here…
I have a few scheduled posts for here but for the moment, I don’t know when regular posting will resume. I have a lot ahead of me in the next few months and who knows, I might share some of it here but for now all I can say is, please bear with me and hopefully I’ll be back on track soon.
Cheerio for now!